I am not sure what happiness is anymore. I can't even remember if I did ever knew what it was, which gives you an idea of how little I know. Even so, I realized what it is not; it is not something that I used to believe in.
Happiness is not a matter of choice. It is not a state of mind. It is not what I conditioned myself it is. It is not a decision or a switch that you just turn on whenever you feel the need to do so. You cannot just tell your blood not to flow after you got yourself cut, so is not to feel the reverse of being happy.
I find mediocrity in my old beliefs. What is the point of striving if you’ll be happy for whatever you’ll going to get anyway, just by deciding to be so. Like finding solace in mediocrity. Nothing new really, since mediocrity is my forte. As in Tuseran Forte and this entry is getting corny.
It is what you do, say, think and desire, when you are not in that state of happiness that is a matter of choice, and usually it’s what makes a difference.
Am I happy now? I am not really sure. You see, aside from knowing too little, I also have lots of uncertainties. But I am certain though that at this very moment, I am not sad.
The search for happiness is still on. It may even go on forever, unless you decide to stop and live a mediocre life. Nothing’s wrong with being mediocre though. It is jt that I am still thrilled by the hunt (happiness), though I am not really sure what It is for me.
Amidst all these confusions and uncertainties, I will just temporarily settle for my memory of what happiness is. Happiness is; a Reader’s Digest Vinyl LP Collection of music from the decades of 30’s to 70’s, that I enjoyed playing in my grandparent’s house when I still have the certainties in me.